Inside Out, and Almost Always Upside Down

Over the last few years I've become the polar opposite of my former self. When I was younger I would wake up every day hoping that that day would be the day when Serendipity would take me by the wrist, twirl me around, and thrust me into the arms of the person made just for me. Every day I thought it was possible. I saw the potential in every person I met. Hope. Faith. Pain. Disappointment. These things were the things I lived and breathed. They sustained me through a less than happy adolescense and childhood. The hope of love that would give life meaning was all I thought of; I believed it to be the only saving grace in this complete crap world.

Then I thought I found it. I found that person. I spoke about this before, and how it wrecked me. It only did so because being in love, the act of loving someone, and feeling as though they loved me...It lifted me up...made me feel whole. How do you go back? How do you curl up into the ever so small shape of what your life used to be before you loved someone? I grew, I expanded, my heart...it was nine tenths of my body. The whole of me formed around this idea of what life would be like with this love that I had so faithfully pledged my life to. I had it, everything I looked for. Life worked out that way it was supposed to...I dedicated the time and effort, I longed, I believed, I suffered, and here, finally was the pay out. This person who became my whole world. Everything was right in the whole world. All the pieces fit. Happiness. Affirmation. Joy. Life. Love. I willingly gave every part of myself to them.

And then it was a lie. And then I was ripped apart from the inside out. I'll skip the process from that moment when life stopped for me to now, years later...seven to be exact. But here's the end result: over and over I choose to not be in love. Whenever I feel that potential between myself and someone else I put as much distance between us as possible. I adore my safe world that never threatens to be ripped apart. It stays where I put it. I'm on my path and I am in control, and I can be anything.

My other self says "What kind of life is that?" Of course, that side of me is hoping that someone else will see the same potential I do, and refuse to let me run. It's a lot to expect isn't it? And I sure as hell don't make it easy...I can be attractive if I try, trust me I never do. I never put myself out there. I never try to get to know people. My dominant self fears the pain, and rejects the possibility that this someone exists. And further more, that side protects me from the mere thought.

And yet, even with all my attempts, whenever I see the person whom I'm trying to avoid the most, even hear their name...the ache that possesses me. So much conflict in such a small moment...I want desperately...I can't...I won't...they don't...they couldn't....why am I even considering?...oh nevermind.

It's a lost cause.
I'm a lost cause.
I am Jude.