Fever Dreams

I'm not asleep, but not awake either. My mind is in a haze, and I start to see the all too familiar scene. It's my greatest fear of what could happen with you. We sit together in a group of friends...as the conversation goes on, I grow more and more silent, the darkness blooming inside me. Slowly the friends trickle out, and it's just us sitting there, as is so often the case. It's one tear, and then one more, and by the time you notice I am crying so hard I can't hear. I can't see. It envelops me so much that I can only slightly feel your hand resting on my shoulder.

I think you might be asking me what's wrong. I don't know. I have no idea. I just feel the enormity of this thing whenever you're sitting there with me.

There is no one else to give this darkness to. No other home for my despair.

I cry and cry and cry and cannot give you a reason for it.

You help me home, and then days go by without a word from you.

What now?

I snap up off the couch, I shake my head and tell myself, no...that won't ever, ever happen.

Mothers

You'll never understand how much your love feels like hate. Or the weight I bear around my neck that is the words you use to try and tell me how important I am. It just sounds like a list of demands, and a checklist for all the things I never was and cannot ever be.

Release me. Please, please, please, just let me go. Hate me. Forget me. Whatever it takes, just please let me go.

I've been fighting for my life with you for so long. It isn't even something you love, or like, or have any fondness for at all.

But it's all I have, so let it be mine.

The Way it Didn't Happen

Your lips turned blue, but you wouldn't take the blanket. Your hands trembled, your whole body shook. You were too distracted to care. I couldn't convince you to calm down and tell me what was so wrong. Your eyes looked blank. You simply stood in my door way and stared at the floor. Your clothes were dripping and I worried you would be sick if I couldn't convince you to make some forward motion. It wasn't like you to come over without the intention of kissing me.

Finally I took your hand and gently pulled, my voice trembling as I begged you please. Finally you looked in my direction, without every really looking at me, and came forward. I wrapped you in a blanket and gently touched your face, searching for some sign of what was wrong. I sat you on the bed, and went to find dry clothes. When I came back you sat your head in your hands, silently sobbing. I ran my fingers through your hair, and when you looked up I handed you some clothes you had left behind the last time you spent the night. Still unable to meet my gaze, you nodded and took them from me. I sat on the bed and watched you shiver as you changed. Your pain cut through me, I gestured for you to come lie down next to me. As you came I could see you were starting to come out of your distraction. With your head in my lap, and my hand in your hair I finally asked you what was wrong. A deep uneasy breath left you. You said very very quietly that your grandfather had died, and he was the only one to ever believe in you. As I hugged you, and kissed every inch of skin I could reach I told you you were wrong. That no matter what I would always believe in you. I held you as you cried yourself to sleep.

Vault

You hold my secrets safe. You know the stories that make up my soul. You've heard them all, and tacked the words upon your heart. You hold me close. You see in the patterns of my skin the story of why I grow silent on car rides, and from the scars on my left thumb you glean the details of the best year of my life.

You know me. You treasure me. You stand between me and the rest of the world.

I'd love you, if I had you.

You're my favorite dream, and if I knew the way, I'd make you real. Pull you right from my imagination into my arms. The boy with the tragic eyes and strong arms. A large heart, and a slow smile.

A smile just for me.

Kate

I don't know why my thoughts have turned to you, as they sometimes do.

All you taught me is that good things are always a lie.

Fool me once, that was him, fool me twice, that was you.

I must be such a comfortable place for a liar.

I see your smile in my mind, and the lovely life you've been handed. Why do you pretend? Why do you live as though you need an alternative truth to console you? Maybe that's why I hung around...to try and understand why when nothing was wrong, you seemed so hollow. You stole little pieces of everyone around you and made up a person you thought everyone could like. Who were you really? I guess I just wanted to know...I thought I did, but over and over you proved me wrong.

Lie after lie I forgave you. Some habits are hard to shake I guess.

I've never been so proud of me as the day I finally walked away for good.

The Threat

In the silent curls of confusions and limitless questions, I see two eyes staring at me. They implore me to be interesting, to think, to move, to be. I silently stare back as if to say "no." My mind is crowded and clouded, and I haven't the time, or a place in my blackened heart for your expectations, needs, wants, or demands. Take not one, but several steps back, get your feet on the ground, and let me breathe.

I'm not here to save you.

I'm not even here to like you.

"Guilty is a choice, and a chore," and it will not be mine.

I'm having the time of my life being fake through and through, and you will not make me feel. You will not make me real. You tempt me with thoughts of gentle touches, sweet words, and the luxurious rest of rightness. Your presences tells me I can breathe easy.

You lie, you lie, you lie.

I'll be waiting for the sweetness of air to touch my lungs, and it will never come. You'll leave me choking and alone.


No. Not again. Never again.