Despite My Faithless Bitching...

Something good happened.

We Don't Match Up

I'm bending over backwards, and it's pissing you off because it was never what you asked for. The problem isn't that I'm doing it, it's that you're not asking. I need someone who asks, wants, appreciates. How needless for you to handle it all on your own.

The way thoughts collide

If I could paint it (I am awful with a paintbrush) the scene in my head would be like your name crashing into his, and the colors would reflect the conflict within me...the way the emotions sore, and then drop, and run together to make the shade of brown of my hair and eyes.

You were a lesson to be learned, I just never realized it was all about someone else, not you. It was never you. Thank god you never cared, or this might have really hurt you.

Can we leave the past in the past? Call it friends?

No wait...I'm still not the whole picture, not a whole person. Give me a decade or so to fill in my gaps, maybe then I can leave you be and not glean from you the things I lack.

I'll call you when I get it together. When I'm a person who deserves a friend like you.

Crazy much?

I just wanted you to know, everything is fine...I know I tend to forget now and then.

The Taste of Hope

You feel like sunshine on my tongue, and I roll you there, hold on to you for just a few seconds more before swallowing you down. I'm holding off the moment of truth when you're gone and I brace myself for your after-taste. Don't be bitter. Don't be lonely. Don't be dark. And even if you are, come back quick. You'll never know how much I need you here.

But just this once, be sweet.

New City, Old Problems

I'm in a new city now, living with the significant other I can't decide if I love. So many things I left behind me, so many things still haunt me.

Something bad happened to me when I was sixteen. I am now twenty-three. Is it normal to still be stuck? There seems to be no way through it, or around it. Maybe I just don't have it in me to get over something like that. I was hurt. Hurt all the way through to my soul. I will not, I cannot be a part of world where that kind of hurt exists. This is not the world I expected. I expected so much brightness. I expected something genuine. Even if it means I am never happy, I will never be a part of this place.

Unless it's on my terms.

I want to be connected. I want to feel the sun on my face and not regret it. I want one day to not wound me through and through. I want rightness.

Tell me there's someone out there who can put this right. Who can make me feel worthwhile. Who can make me feel it down to my bones, this is where I should be. Right now there's no reason for anything, to do anything, to be anything...No reason at all. Here's to hoping I find a reason.