Why is Nothing Ever Simple?

I just got back from seeing my best friend. We went to a movie and had some food. Sounds fairly standard, probably fun. It was not.

My best friend has this habit of feeling bad for me. He does all kinds of things for me all the time even though he doesn't want to because he feels if he doesn't then I will be upset, or sad, or whatever. It makes me crazy.

I know, you're thinking my best friend sounds pretty nice, right? And he is, don't get me wrong, he's the best of what's around. But here's the thing...It isn't real. I'd rather he just be himself. If he wants to sit around and be pissed off and do nothing, then let's fucking do that. That was what he really wanted to be doing tonight. He had a bad day at work and he really just wanted some sleep and quiet time. I'd rather have what's honest.

No one ever understands this. They think what I really want is for them to just be happy and hang out with me. Not at all...but I'm tired of explaining myself. I'm tired of fighting for honesty. I sit in silence and think about fictional people who are comfortable with me and with themselves.

My best friend really is a great person...I can call him in the dead of night to come pick me up anywhere in the world and I know he would do it. I can talk for hours about things he doesn't give a damn about and he will pretend it's the most important thing in the world just for me. He just doesn't ever let me do the same. Nor does he really see me clearly...but then again, who does?

That's the problem. The crux of it. Nobody sees me. That's why we're here. And my exhaustion over takes me...I no longer see a reason to try. Prove me wrong...just please prove me wrong.