I've been living without accountability. I can be the mess that I am and never improve, and that's how I like it. I'm supposed to want to be better, I know that...but I don't. I want to stay here, miserable, and not be bothered. I don't know how to be happy, and all I wanted was a way to avoid thinking about that fact. If I could simply rush fast enough, find enough distractions, find other people who make a life out of being a mess to throw myself in to, I could avoid the way things actually are.
A situation I cannot fix.
Here's the part where I say I am going to change.
I'm not.
I know myself well enough to know I'll keep doing it this way, my point is is that this blog is no longer useful to me. I no longer need a place to be sad, in fact I find sadness bothersome. It's no longer tragically beautiful.
So though Jude is a giant chunk of me, Jude is done here.
